This Love is Killing Me
by RosesandThorns666
Summary: AU. Castiel takes it because he's always had to. If Dean's happy, Castiel misses a visit to hospital, but both Dean and Castiel know that this can't go on anymore. Warnings in A/N. Please R&R!
1. Castiel's Pain

**Summary: **AU. Castiel takes it because he's always had to. If Dean's happy, Castiel misses a visit to hospital, but both Dean and Castiel know that this can't go on anymore. Warnings in A/N. Please R&R!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Supernatural _or its characters.

**A/N: **Alright, an abusive!Dean/hurt!Cas fic, because I felt like writing a bit of angst. As for warnings, we're looking at violence and themes concerning eating disorders.

Hope you enjoy and please let me know if you'd like me to continue this.

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This Love is Killing Me **

**-Chapter One: Castiel's Pain- **

"Good boy, Cas..." Dean breathed, holding Castiel's hair as the younger man sucked his erection expertly.

Castiel knew just how Dean liked it and dear God, was he doing a fine job today. But Castiel felt physically sick right now; simply because, one, he was being used, and two, he'd been ill all day, but Dean didn't seem to care. Dean rarely seemed to care, especially when he came home after a round at the Roadhouse.

"Oh, yes...God..." Dean moaned, "Fuck...m'gonna come soon, Cas..."

Castiel kept working his tongue and lips and Dean pushed him away, bringing him closer to kiss him. Castiel accepted the kiss and melted into Dean as always, straddling his lap and feeling lube coated fingers running down his back. He braced himself for the pain and took it like a man, just biting his lip and breathing quietly but deeply. Dean began to work Castiel open, the younger man writhing in his lap as he did.

"Dean..." He breathed, "Please...need you...need you, Dean..."

Dean grinned and pushed inside Castiel's body, the younger man wincing before settling around Dean's length, moving his body slowly up and down. Dean gripped at his sides and Castiel winced at the strength of the hold, gasping as Dean flipped them over and began to move against Castiel, leaning into his neck and biting it, hard. Their fingers locked before Dean pinned Castiel's hands above his head, moving down to hold his wrists with a bruising grip.

"Oh, God..." Dean moaned, "Cas...fuck..."

He began to pound into his lover, Castiel just turning his face away and watching the wall as Dean let go, filling him with his warmth before just pulling out and settling by Castiel's side, the younger man still incredibly hard.

"Love you." Dean breathed, kissing Castiel's cheek, "Night, babe."

"Love you too..." Castiel said weakly, "Night, Dean."

Castiel waited until his lover fell asleep before he slid out of bed and headed for the shower, finishing himself off before breaking into tears and almost collapsing as he did. This life was hurting him. This pain was torturing him. This love was killing him, and he knew that he'd have to stand up for himself sooner or later. But what was the point? Dean would only beat him harder and harder until he couldn't stand back up again. If Castiel fought back, he'd be leaving the house in a body bag. Dean wanted to adopt a baby. No way. No chance in Hell. Until they sorted themselves out, there would be no children being brought into that house.

People always told Castiel that he loved Dean way too much for what he did to him. But they only saw the occasional putdown, and how sometimes Castiel would get walked all over. They didn't see the beating, or the way Dean treated him in bed. They didn't see the slave-driving or witness the shouting matches they had when Dean was drunk. Ever since Dean lost his mother, he just seemed to get worse, and worse, and worse.

Castiel's brothers Gabriel and Lucifer were the only ones who knew of the beating other than Dean's brother Sam. Dean's father John had no idea. Castiel's older brother Michael and sister Anna didn't know either. If they did, Dean would be the one who would be in hospital, not Castiel as usual. Yes, Castiel sometimes got such a bad beating, he ended up spending the night in hospital. Dean once thought he'd killed him, yet still the beatings continued if he didn't get his own way.

Castiel worked from home, so he never had to go out of the house unless it was for groceries or new clothes. He never had to face co-workers which he was relieved about, especially after a beating. Dean's fists felt like they were made of steel, and good God, could Castiel feel it when he got a punch or a kick from his lover. Dean had once stuck Castiel's head in the refrigerator and slammed the door on it, which earned Castiel a few stitches down at the hospital.

There came times when Castiel didn't know if he could deal with this anymore, with living with this animal who was supposed to love him, to protect him and to care for him.

But as Castiel cried in the shower, Dean rolled over and listened. He listened to the heartbreaking sobs and the desperation in them, and something inside him twisted at the memories of what he'd done to that beautiful man in the past; the same man who was now crying his eyes out in the bathroom. Because of Dean. Dean hurt Castiel in ways that he couldn't understand, that he couldn't comprehend and good God, he felt guilty for what he did. He wished he had some control over it. He needed help, and he knew he did. Castiel always forgave him after a beating. He always said it was okay if Dean cried about it and apologised, he always promised Dean that it was alright and that he still loved him. Dean didn't deserve Castiel's love, he thought, after what he'd done to him.

He wanted to just go in there and wrap his arms around the gorgeous man he'd spent most of his life trying to be with, but he didn't deserve to. Damn, he'd even left the poor guy hard after they'd just 'made love'. He only thought of himself and not about Castiel, who did so much for him, who provided the most money in the house and who cooked and cleaned for Dean, who would give Dean a back rub if he'd got a twinge from a hard day at work, who'd sit and listen to all of Dean's problems when there were a thousand and one going off in his own head.

Dean Winchester was supposed to be gentle and caring with Castiel Novak, as he'd promised, not to hurt him and torture him the way he did. He couldn't believe what a bastard he was to the poor guy and it pained him even more when he thought about how Castiel couldn't even defend himself, _wouldn't _defend himself like he was too afraid to. He was scared of saying 'no' to Dean. He was scared of making Dean angry, of upsetting him and earning a trip to hospital.

As the bathroom door opened, Dean closed his eyes, pretending to be asleep while Castiel slid back into bed beside him as gently as possible, leaning over to kiss his cheek and stroke his face, so lightly as though he was scared of waking him.

"I love you." He whispered, "I just wish that I could help you...that I could stop you hurting me. I wish I knew why I made you so angry so I could stop it and stop upsetting you..."

Great, now the poor son of a bitch was blaming himself.

"I wish you could change so we could be how we used to when we were seventeen..." Castiel breathed, clearly in tears before leaning down and kissing Dean's cheek gently, "I love you, baby..."

With that he rolled away from Dean, curling up and settling to try and sleep. Dean turned over, opening his eyes as tears streamed down his face.

Things had to change, and they had to change as soon as possible.

-TBC-

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**A little shorter than normal, I know, but I just wanted to give you an insight into what happens with Castiel and Dean in the opening chapter. **

**Hope you enjoyed! **

**Thanks for reading! **

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	2. Time for a Change

**Summary: **AU. Castiel takes it because he's always had to. If Dean's happy, Castiel misses a visit to hospital, but both Dean and Castiel know that this can't go on anymore. Warnings in A/N. Please R&R!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Supernatural _or its characters. I don't own the lyrics used in this chapter either.

**(PLEASE READ!) A/N: **Okay, I decided against the eating disorder thing. Just the thought of it upsets me and I teared up writing this chapter. There'll be plenty of ups and downs but I'm hoping for a happy ending. Thanks for the support so far! It means a lot!

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This Love is Killing Me **

**-Chapter Two: Time for a Change-**

When Dean awoke the next morning, Castiel wasn't around. He looked around, noticing he wasn't in the bedroom, so he decided to get up. He got himself showered and dressed, looking in the mirror at himself and leaning on the sink.

"Time for a change, Dean Winchester." He told his reflection, "You don't hit Castiel anymore. You don't treat him like a slave anymore, and you think about him a damn sight more than you have been."

He rubbed his eyes, trying to stop tears forming in them before splashing some water on his face and heading downstairs. It was Saturday so that meant there was no work. Plenty of time to work on their relationship through the day and plenty of time for Dean to get rid of the alcohol in the house. He was going to stop drinking as much as he was. It wasn't Castiel's fault his mother had died. It wasn't Castiel's fault that she'd died in that house fire. He wasn't even in Lawrence when Mary had been killed in that fire. The twenty-eight year old sighed, going to see his boyfriend and try to make some kind of amends.

Castiel, who'd turned twenty-eight the weekend before, was standing in the kitchen cooking what smelt like bacon and eggs. Dean's favourite. Dean couldn't remember what Castiel's favourite food was. He couldn't remember what Castiel's favourite book was, or what his favourite drink was. He didn't know what Castiel's favourite movie was or what kind of music he liked to listen to because Dean had complete control over that house. That was wrong. His job at Bobby Singer's salvage yard made no where near as much as Castiel's did, and Castiel practically paid solely for that house, yet Dean got control over it. It wasn't right and it was going to change right now.

But as he headed into the kitchen, things suddenly felt very awkward. He wasn't quite sure what to say, really.

"Hey, baby." He said softly, Castiel turning and smiling weakly.

"Morning, Dean."

He turned away towards the pan and the older man stepped forward, Castiel closing his eyes before turning to face Dean again. He was purely and simply terrified of the man, and Dean's heart broke at the sight, especially when tears filled Castiel's eyes. Good God, no! That had to stop and it had to stop now!

"Hey...shhh..." Dean soothed, moving closer and embracing Castiel with such gentleness, the younger man found it unnerving, "Don't cry..."

And just like that, Castiel stopped. Dean winced at the action, like it was just because Dean had said he had to stop, not because he was truly okay. He wasn't okay; no, he was _far_ from okay, but he did whatever Dean told him as always. That made Dean feel terrible.

"Baby...?"

Castiel didn't answer and Dean leaned down to kiss his cheek, noticing the younger man flinch at the contact.

"Cas...Cas, things aren't gonna be the way they used to..." He said softly, cupping Castiel's cheek and seeing the fear in his eyes, "I know what I've done...it's...it's inexcusable. It's unforgivable. I...I don't even know how I'm still in this house, never mind in the same bed as you. I don't deserve it for the way I treat you!"

"Dean..." Castiel breathed, Dean shutting up straight away to listen to what his lover had to say, "I...I love you, that's why you're still in the same bed as me. That's why I still hold you and I still kiss you, why I still make love with you...because I love you."

"Why, Cas?" Dean asked, "Why do you love someone who beats you and treats you like his personal whore rather than a lover?"

"Because..." Castiel replied, turning the stove down and looking up at Dean again, pressing a hand against Dean's heart as he spoke, "I know that deep inside here lies that seventeen year old boy I fell in love with."

He turned away to serve breakfast, Dean just standing there and grimacing at him.

"Cas..."

"Do you want any toast, Dean?"

Dean sighed, knowing that this wasn't ever going to get spoken about until he just ate his breakfast. He sat at the table opposite Castiel and sighed, reaching out only for Castiel to edge forward slowly with his own hand and take Dean's gently, a soft smile gracing his face at the contact.

"I love you." Dean told him, completely soberly and honestly.

"I know you do." Castiel replied, "I love you too, Dean."

* * *

Castiel watched Dean through the window as the older man threw all his beer away, a smile gracing his face as he knew that this was a sign of better times to come. Finally after all the abuse, Dean had finally seen sense. He seemed far too sincere for it to be anything else. The younger man thought it would be a good idea for them to perhaps build up their photo album. It seemed like a great bonding activity for them, and they could reminisce about when they were younger and totally in love with each other. As Dean entered the house, Castiel passed him his coffee, the older man kissing his temple and smiling.

"Why don't we work on that photo album?" Castiel suggested, Dean taking a sip of coffee and smiling in response.

"That sounds nice." Dean replied, Castiel passing him his coffee to take into the living room while he went upstairs for the box of photos and the album.

As they looked through, Dean and Castiel smiled, laughed, cried even at some photos. Like the one they had taken with their friend Lisa Braeden who'd been killed in a car accident two weeks after. Castiel had shed a few tears and Dean had just pulled him close, shedding a tear himself for their friend who they'd both loved dearly. Then came a photo they'd had taken at Gabriel's birthday party, when he'd turned thirty. Castiel had a black eye and a split lip, while Dean had his arm around him, gripping him possessively as he did.

"God, Cas..." He breathed, "How could...why did...?"

"Dean, it's okay..." Castiel whispered, turning and stroking Dean's face gently as the older man got angry with himself, "That's all in the past now...it's over, we're starting over, okay?"

"No, Cas, it's not okay!" Dean yelled, pushing Castiel away from him and standing up, "How on earth can you say it's okay?"

"Dean, calm down..." Castiel said nervously, Dean just losing control and swinging his fist.

Before he knew what was happening, Castiel was on the floor and Dean just ragged him up again and hit him once more, just stopping himself as soon as Castiel curled in on himself, just turning his bleeding face to the floor and crying into it. He took deep breaths, regaining control of himself before he knelt by his lover, touching him with the utmost gentleness which even then made Castiel flinch.

"Cas...Cas, I'm so sorry...I..."

Castiel just cried, and Dean couldn't help but hate himself for losing control like that.

"Cas?"

Dean rubbed his body gently and lifted him up, just cradling him close and rocking him in his embrace.

"Shhh..." He soothed, "I'm so, so sorry...I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry...shhh..."

He felt two shaking hands grip onto him, one sliding up to stroke through his hair. Dean shed a tear himself and just held his lover as tightly as he could, pressing kisses to his hair and his temple, holding onto him like he could fade away at any time.

"Baby, I've done nothing but screw up..." He whispered, "And I've hurt you so much..."

He opened one of the small doors which rested at the bottom of the coffee table, where Castiel liked to keep wipes should he ever want to wipe his hands or dab his face. He'd never been fabulous at dealing with the heat, especially in the summer and also he was very germ conscious. But as Dean took a wipe in his hand, he brought Castiel's face away from his neck and watched as his lover flinched away, closing his eyes as though waiting for Dean to hit him.

But when he felt the cold wipe on his face, he gasped, hearing Dean hushing him and promising him it was alright.

"It's okay, Cas..." He whispered, "I'm not gonna hurt you anymore, it's alright...I'm sorry...I'm sorry. I'm not gonna hurt you the way I used to anymore, I swear."

Castiel tried to turn his head away but Dean hushed him again.

"Shhh, hold still, baby...hold still..." He said softly, "Let me clean you up, sweetheart..."

Castiel went rigid in his arms and Dean didn't know what else to do but try and sing to soothe him. Castiel had always told him that he had a nice voice.

_"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance,  
For the break that would make it okay.  
There's always some reason to feel not good enough  
And it's hard at the end of the day.  
I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release.  
Memories seep from my veins, they may be empty,  
Oh, and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight, _

_In the arms of the angel fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear.  
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie.  
You're in the arms of the angel...  
May you find some comfort here..." _

Okay, so Dean was no Sarah McLachlan, but Castiel was soothed and he began to relax as Dean cleaned the split lip and cut cheek, which made Dean feel a little better. When he'd cleaned them up the best he could, he set Castiel on the floor to go and get a band aid for his cheek, returning and placing it on the bruising cut gently. Castiel climbed back onto him, settling against him as Dean cuddled him close. They shared soft kisses, ones that Dean tried to put as much love as he could into. All he wanted to do was love Castiel, he never wanted to hurt him.

Now he had a chance to prove that he loved him, and he wasn't going to let it slip away.

-TBC-

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**Hope you enjoyed! **

**Thanks for reading so far! **

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	3. Trying

**Summary: **AU. Castiel takes it because he's always had to. If Dean's happy, Castiel misses a visit to hospital, but both Dean and Castiel know that this can't go on anymore. Warnings in A/N. Please R&R!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Supernatural _or its characters.

**A/N: **Alright, it seems I'm in a kind of angsty place, because every time I seem to write a chapter, I tear up. I actually cried writing this, so if I make you cry, I'm sorry!

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This Love is Killing Me **

**-Chapter Three: Trying- **

Castiel held onto Dean, the older man kissing him softly as he lifted him up, carrying him to their room. Dean thought perhaps sleep would help Castiel since the poor guy had tired himself out crying, and Dean would hold him through that sleep. But as they lay together on the bed, Dean felt Castiel curl up incredibly close to him, and he felt those blue eyes bearing into him. Looking down, he watched Castiel as he leaned up and kissed him gently, sending Dean's head into a spin.

Dean's heart began to race as he looked down at his lover, seeing how lustful he was. Their lips were barely apart and both of them closed their eyes, realising that this was by far the most intimate moment they'd ever had. They just felt each other, breathed one another in and Dean knew that he couldn't just rip Castiel's clothes off, but one thing he did know was that this time, he was completely sober, and that he was going to make this wonderful for Castiel.

"I love you..." Castiel whispered, barely audibly, Dean returning the sentiment before kissing Castiel's lips tenderly.

The younger man pressed himself closer, his heart thundering in his chest because he wanted to stay with this intimacy, this unbelievable passion that swirled between the two of them. He looked back at Dean again, his eyes fluttering closed as they kissed, Dean turning him onto his back so gently before kissing his chin, jaw and then his neck so slowly that it made Castiel tremble.

"Dean..." He breathed, running his fingers into Dean's hair and pressing himself as close to his lover as he could.

Dean smirked against Castiel's neck pulling back and removing his t-shirt, Castiel doing the same before Dean lay him back against the pillows, Castiel brushing a hand through Dean's hair and kissing his lips again, Dean moving down to kiss his neck again. Castiel wasn't sure what was happening to him, but his breathing was heavy and something weighed on his heart like pure desperation for them to be together like this all the time, not just on occasion.

Dean kissed his skin and nuzzled it gently, moving down to his chest and taking one of his nipples in his mouth. Castiel hadn't felt pleasure, true pleasure like this in a long time, and he welcomed the love and the heat that was building in the room. The sun was beginning to set over Lawrence, and Castiel's heart swelled at the idea of making love at sunset. He'd always wanted to do that and never had the chance until now. The younger man gripped Dean's hair, moaning softly and pressing himself to his lover, feeling himself harden against Dean who was already rock hard, both of them letting out soft breaths as he did.

Dean moved across to Castiel's other nipple, looking up as Castiel's head tipped back, his hands in Dean's hair as he leaned into the contact. Dean smiled, pulling off which earned him a disappointed sound from his lover, making his way back up Castiel's body and pressing a loving kiss to his forehead, reaching down and unbuckling Castiel's belt, the younger man reaching for his belt and unbuckling it at the same time. He looked into Dean's eyes, feeling the familiar burning of tears as they shared a deep kiss.

They nuzzled foreheads gently, Castiel lifting his hips so Dean could pull his jeans off, taking in a sharp breath when he realised that his boxers were going with him. Dean smiled, kissing his angel's lips, cheek, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest and down his stomach, circling his belly button before moving down to his thighs. Castiel bit his lip with anticipation and watched as Dean went down on him, letting his head fall back against the pillows at the heat that enveloped him.

He turned his head and bit the pillow, one hand gripping the bed sheets while the other gripped Dean's hair, Dean knowing he'd have to hold those stunningly gorgeous hips of his lover's down as he worked his lips and tongue. He listened to the sounds escaping Castiel's lips, moans of pleasure; hot, delicious moans of pleasure. Castiel's body began to tremble, a soft sheen showing across his skin as he began to sweat.

Dean felt so hard and hot he wanted to burst, and he pulled off of Castiel, moving back up his body to kiss him passionately, reaching for the lube he kept on the bedside table while Castiel pulled his jeans and boxers off. Dean chuckled, standing back and letting them pool at his feet before climbing back on the bed beside his lover. Castiel lay back against the pillows, Dean close to him as he settled between his legs. The younger man sighed, bucking as Dean began to work him open. He could stay in this blissful haze forever, this amazing love making that he and Dean were a part of right now.

"Easy..." Dean whispered, "I've got you, sweetheart..."

"Please..." Castiel begged, a tear sliding down his face, "Love me, Dean..."

Dean kissed the tear away and slid inside Castiel's body, the younger man wincing before he settled. Dean moved his hips slowly, gently, and he thrust deeply before pressing his forehead to his lover's and taking Castiel into his arms. The younger man held him, turning his head as Dean pressed a kiss to his cheek and then his neck. They gazed into each other's eyes, Dean watching Castiel slide their hands together and lock their fingers, Dean bringing their hands up before pushing them into the pillows, connecting his lips with Castiel's again.

Their kiss was loving, deep and passionate, and as Dean kept his hips moving, Castiel followed with his own, the pair of them rolling over so Castiel was on top. He looked deeply into Dean's eyes, pressing a kiss to his lips and keeping their fingers locked. Dean watched Castiel's eyes, watched the younger man trying to decipher what Dean's were telling him. Then Castiel smiled, knowing instantly what Dean wanted from him.

_Forgive me_.

"I already have." Castiel told him, Dean blinking in shock, "I love you."

"I love you too." Dean whispered, sitting up and embracing Castiel in a loving hug as they continued to move, "I'm sorry for everything..."

"Shhh," Castiel whispered, continuing to move, "Enjoy the moment."

They pressed their foreheads together, breathing deeply as they rode towards bliss, holding each other with so much gentleness the other man wanted to cry. This was how they should be, holding and loving each other, not one beating the other. Dean turned them over again, burying his face in Castiel's neck, feeling the need to suddenly look into his lover's eyes. He lifted his head and kissed Castiel's lips, looking at his lover as they both drew that bit closer to bliss. He felt Castiel's legs rest against his waist, his feet rest in the creases at the back of knees, the left foot sliding down his calf muscle, massaging softly as they slowed down. Dean thrust deeply before speeding up again, Castiel arching into Dean's arms as he reached climax, Dean holding onto him as he released inside Castiel's body. They slowed to a stop, sharing a deep kiss as Dean lay his lover back against the pillows, pulling out of his body and laying beside him. Castiel rolled over into his arms and curled up against him as they watched the sunset through the window opposite their bed.

"I love you." Dean whispered, kissing his lover's forehead, "You're the most important and beautiful thing to me, Cas...more beautiful than this sunset...more beautiful than Niagara Falls...far more beautiful than anything that Mother Nature can make."

Castiel sat up and looked at his lover, realising that the seventeen year old he fell for all those years ago was coming back. Slowly but surely.

"I love you too, Dean." He whispered, kissing his lips and turning on his front, covering part of Dean's body with his own as they cuddled together, Dean covering them with the bedsheets and sighing as he pressed a kiss to Castiel's temple.

He felt tears coming and sob making it's way through his body, suddenly realising that Castiel was crying too. They held onto each other and kissed tenderly, pressing their heads together and sharing their tears on that warm evening.

They had to try and put things behind them, to start over again and make a brand new life for themselves. Maybe they couldn't move out of the house that had so many bad memories for them, but they could try their best to turn over to a new page in their lives and make their relationship what it once was.

"I wish I knew, Dean..." Castiel whispered, Dean looking down at him and kissing him.

"Knew what, baby?" Dean asked.

"Why I make you angry...or I make you cry..." Castiel breathed, "Or I make you so mad...that you hit me..."

Dean just pressed his head to his lover's, sighing as he cradled him close.

"I don't even know why." Dean sobbed, "I don't know..."

Castiel looked up at Dean and wiped his tears away, drawing him close for another kiss.

"But I do know that I love you..." Dean continued, "And I know that I wanna make things right between us...to make things better."

Castiel hid his face in Dean's neck and cried even harder, the older man just holding him to his body and hushing him, pressing kiss after kiss to his hair and keeping him safe in his arms.

"I love you, Dean."

"Love you too, Cas."

-TBC-

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**Thanks for all the reviews, alerts, favourites and of course, thanks for reading so far! **

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	4. Hold Onto Me

**Summary: **AU. Castiel takes it because he's always had to. If Dean's happy, Castiel misses a visit to hospital, but both Dean and Castiel know that this can't go on anymore. Warnings in A/N. Please R&R!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Supernatural _or its characters.

**A/N: **I'd like to thank you all for the support with this so far, and I apologise for it taking so long to update! Here's chapter four and I hope you enjoy it!

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**This Love is Killing Me **

**-Chapter Four: Hold Onto Me- **

The two slept right through to the morning, Castiel still tortured with the nightmares of what Dean used to do to him, how he'd beat him and hit him, how he'd use him like a personal whore. He shot up in bed, finally free of the torture, but he flinched as he felt a gentle hand on his back.

"Baby...?"

Castiel looked to Dean who was sat with guilt all over his face, like he knew that the younger man had been dreaming about him. He pressed a kiss to Castiel's lips, feeling him tremble beneath the touch. The younger man sighed, resting against Dean, willing himself to relax as Dean wound his arms around him and kissed him gently. He remembered what his brothers and sister had always told him. _Believe_. He willed himself to believe that Dean was changing, that Dean was going to reform himself and become that beautiful seventeen year old that he'd fallen in love with.

"You have a nightmare?" Dean asked, Castiel sighing and nodding in response before kissing Dean tenderly and settling by his side, "You wanna talk about it...?"

"No." Castiel replied straight away, rolling over and climbing out of bed, "It's fine."

"Cas?"

"It's fine, Dean."

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"Cas...would you please talk to me about that dream?" Dean asked, "You were a mess..."

"Dean, I don't wanna talk about it." Castiel replied, "Please, can we just leave it?"

"Cas, if we're gonna make this work, we have to talk about these things..."

"It was about you!" Castiel yelled, shocking Dean with the outburst, "It was about everything you ever did to me! How you used to beat me! How you used to just fuck me whenever you pleased and leave me...unfinished..."

The last part of the sentence was just whispered out and Dean hung his head, Castiel going over to him to cup his face and apologise for yelling. But instead he was met by Dean grabbing him and throwing him into a wall, holding him there which frightened him so much he could've thrown up there and then.

"Let it out, Cas." He said, "Tell me! Tell me what a monster I am, Castiel! TELL ME!"

"You're a monster, Dean!" Castiel yelled, pushing Dean off of him with unknown strength.

"Tell me, Cas!" Dean yelled back, "Come on, tell me! Tell me why I'm a monster!"

"You practically rape me! You beat me! YOU TORTURE ME, DEAN WINCHESTER!" Castiel screamed, bursting into tears, "You frighten me so much that I can barely breathe! I live in fear of you! I please you so I don't go to hospital because you beat me so badly! You drink, you yell, you beat me, you hurt me! YOU'RE KILLING ME, DEAN! THIS LOVE WE HAVE IS KILLING ME!"

Dean nodded, Castiel running his hands into his hair and falling to his knees. Dean trudged forward slowly, kneeling in front of him, taking his wrists gently. His lover had said everything he needed to hear and now he was more determined to fix things. Castiel had gotten everything out in the open, and Dean felt more able to get help.

"I hate you." Castiel whispered, "I hate you for what you've done to me."

The two pressed their foreheads together and shared a gentle kiss.

"But I love you more than you could ever imagine..."

His voice was weak now. Weak, wary and tired.

"Oh, my God, Dean...I love you so much." He whispered, "You have no idea how much I want you to change...how I need you to change. You don't know how much you terrify me, Dean. If you raise another hand to me...I...I..."

"What, Cas?" Dean asked, his voice incredibly gentle and soft.

"I'll leave you." Castiel said quietly, "I'll go...and I won't come back. I'll do whatever I can to keep you away because you are going to kill me, Dean. What did I do that made me deserve this?"

"Nothing." Dean replied, now in tears himself, "You've never done anything wrong, Cas...God, I love you too, baby. I love you more than anything."

"Then change." Castiel said, his voice quaking with emotion, "Change, Dean."

"I will." Dean whispered, kissing Castiel's lips, "I'll change, Cas. I promise."

"You need to prove yourself to me, Dean, because I can't trust you unless..."

"I know, baby, I know."

They shared a gentle kiss, Castiel climbing onto Dean's lap and embracing his lover in a warm hug. Their tears slowly ceased to fall as they held each other, both determined to make their lives better.

"Cas...?"

"Yes, Dean?"

"We never finished that photo album."

Castiel smiled.

"We'd better go and finish it then."

* * *

Castiel pressed back against Dean's chest, taking a sip of coffee as he looked at their road trip photos, before their problems began.

"I want us to go back to this." Castiel whispered, stroking the photo gently, "You think we can?"

"I know we can." Dean replied, kissing his temple, "I love you."

"I love you too." Castiel said softly, turning his head and kissing Dean's lips, "Oh, look, you remember this?"

The photo was of the two of them laying in bed, both on their sides with sex hair and huge smiles on their faces, warmth and love in their eyes. Then the next one was of them kissing, Dean above Castiel with their lips connected in a sweet kiss. Castiel cuddled back against his lover, who kept him close and snuggled with him for a moment. Castiel turned his head to gaze at Dean, his beautiful, gorgeous Dean. They leaned in for a kiss and kept each other close, looking out of the window as the first rumble of thunder came. Castiel smiled, Dean grinning in response.

"Shall we do our special thing we used to do during a storm?" Dean asked, "Remember, when we were together in high school?"

Castiel beamed and nodded. The pair would put up Castiel's camping tent up indoors and put whoever's mattress it was inside it, complete with bedspread, and they'd make love as though they were outdoors in the storm. It would be so romantic to do that again, to hold each other and make love the way they used to. It might be a good start to their recovery process if they did.

Yeah, get some snacks, watch a movie and then spend the night in the tent. Perfect.

* * *

Dean cradled Castiel's naked form to his body, looking down to see a contented smile on his lover's face for the first time in years. He smiled, pressing a kiss to Castiel's forehead as he trembled against him, both from being sated and also the sudden cold that had swept through the house. They were in the tent in the living room, settling together after amazing, passionate love-making.

"It's freezing in here." Dean whispered, smiling before climbing out of the tent in all his naked glory to turn on the fire, climbing straight back in beside Castiel and shivering as his lover held him close, "Jesus..."

"God, you're cold." Castiel replied, "You might need warming up."

"Cheeky boy." Dean replied, snuggling right down with his lover as they both shivered, "Oh, Cas..."

They started to grind together slowly, sharing deep and loving kisses. Dean was going to roll them over but Castiel stopped him.

"Just like this..." Castiel whispered, "Let's just..."

Dean understood and rolled Castiel onto his back, grinding his hips against his lovers gently. They kissed and held each other, moving slowly together in the firelight.

And they continued to do so until they climaxed again, Dean cleaning them up before lacing his fingers with Castiel's and settling beside him, kissing him tenderly.

"Hey, Cas?"

"Yeah, Dean?"

"I love you so much."

"I love you too."

-TBC-

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**Hope you enjoyed! **

**Thanks for reading so far! **

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	5. A New Fear

**Summary: **AU. Castiel takes it because he's always had to. If Dean's happy, Castiel misses a visit to hospital, but both Dean and Castiel know that this can't go on anymore. Warnings in A/N. Please R&R!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Supernatural _or its characters.

**A/N: **Thanks so much for the support so far! Hope you enjoy this chapter!

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**This Love is Killing Me **

**-Chapter Five: A New Fear- **

"Dean, I'm just heading out for groceries." Castiel said on the Monday evening, "I'll be back soon and I'll start dinner."

"Alright, who are you going to see?" Dean asked, Castiel stopping in his tracks with confusion spread over his face.

Castiel's stomach dropped at the thought of past events replaying themselves over again and he knew that the best option right now would be to plan his escape route just in case Dean was going to flip at him. He'd learned to do this when the violence escalated into trips to the hospital. He planned it around large objects so he could use them to block Dean's path.

"No-one." He replied, getting ready to jump over the sofa if Dean went for him, "Dean, our fridge is nearly empty, and you want dinner, don't you?"

"Was that a threat?" Dean asked, stepping closer to his lover who just ran for the front door, "CASTIEL! GET BACK HERE!"

This is what Castiel was so afraid of. Dean just snapping back into his old ways like this. He knew he was going to get a beating if Dean caught him so he wasn't likely to give him the chance. He unlocked the front door, getting out and running to the car just before Dean got to the door.

* * *

Castiel was shaking all the way around the supermarket. He looked a wreck and he knew he did, and when he went to grab a jar of sauce for the spaghetti bolognese he'd make Dean later, someone else grabbed it for him. He looked up to see Lucifer standing beside him, concern etched onto his face. The older man hated to see his baby brother in such a state and there was only one thing that could've caused this. Dean.

"You alright, Cas?" He asked, Castiel bowing his head and biting his lip, "Okay, we'll get the rest of your stuff and we'll go get a coffee, huh? Talk it over."

And sure enough, the brothers did. Lucifer listened as his brother told him what had gone on over the past few days and he understood totally that it was a one-step-forward-two-steps-back process. He knew that Dean would be trying and that it would be incredibly hard work, but he also knew that Dean might become suffocated under the pressure of changing his ways. He understood Castiel's concerns and he knew that Dean would be able to just snap at any point. Knowing that his brother was in such danger was growing too hard to bear for them all.

"Cas, if you ever need somewhere to stay, you know where I am." He said softly, earning a nod from his brother, "You want me to come home with you?"

Castiel checked his cell phone as it vibrated yet again, finding the thirty-second missed call from Dean and the twenty-fifth text.

_Baby, where are you?_

"No, I'll be fine." Castiel replied, "Thank you."

The brothers parted and Lucifer once again begged Castiel to keep him informed. There was nothing worse for the older man than having to go home and worry about the welfare of his baby brother in the clutches of Dean Winchester who was nothing but a violent waste of air.

Castiel drove home, frightened of what state he'd find Dean in when he got there. His heart thundered in his chest as he pulled up in the driveway, and as he got the bags of groceries out of the car he made his way towards the house slowly. He unlocked the door, heading inside quietly and taking the groceries into the kitchen. His first priority was packing the items away before he went to find Dean. He'd rather have hidden anything Dean could use as a weapon rather than leaving it there in a line ready for him to just pick up and use.

"Dean?" He called, heading into the living room and seeing Dean sitting on the floor by the couch with tears streaming down his face and blood running down his arm, "Dean!"

He rushed over to his lover, taking in the gash on his arm that had been made using part of the broken bottle that lay scattered around the older man. Castiel rushed to get the first aid box and went to clean the wound, sighing as a very drunk and emotional Dean turned and buried his face in his shoulder and started to cry harder.

"Alright..." Castiel soothed, "Shhh, don't cry."

"I'm s-sorry, Cas." Dean gasped.

"It's alright." Castiel replied, "It's okay, Dean. I love you."

"L-love you." Dean sobbed, "M'sorry for hurting you."

"Shhh." Castiel whispered gently as he bandaged up Dean's arm, "Hush, Dean. Just calm yourself down, baby. Calm down and take deep breaths, okay?"

Dean began to calm against him and he rubbed his back gently, keeping him close as he cried his pathetic apology against his chest. It was just the same as it used to be and Dean knew deep down that things had to change, and they had to change soon or Castiel would be gone out of his life forever.

Dean loved him way too much to lose him like that.

That night, Castiel climbed into bed and rubbed Dean's back reassuringly as the older man sobbed into the pillows. If anyone should doing the comforting it should be Dean comforting Castiel, not the other way around. But as Castiel rubbed his lover's back gently, he knew that their relationship needed far more work than he anticipated, and he knew that maybe they weren't cut out to make it work.

"Goodnight, Dean." He whispered tearfully, kissing his partner's head and settling down to sleep.

-TBC-

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**Hope you enjoyed! **

**Thanks for reading so far!**

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	6. I Promise

**Summary: **AU. Castiel takes it because he's always had to. If Dean's happy, Castiel misses a visit to hospital, but both Dean and Castiel know that this can't go on anymore. Warnings in A/N. Please R&R!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Supernatural _or its characters.

**A/N: **In response to the anonymous review, you can't help a person who won't help themselves, as Lucifer says in this chapter and I know that from personal experience. That's why the others hold back.

Anyway, hope you enjoy! Thanks for the support with the last chapter!

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**This Love is Killing Me **

**-Chapter Six: I Promise- **

Gabriel paced the living room of the home he shared with Sam, and suddenly threw a book into the wall opposite the large bay window. Sam flinched a little while Lucifer just watched, knowing his brother had to get this display out of his system.

"Why won't you let me go and help him, Luce?" He asked, yelling at the same time, "Why won't you let Sam and I go and deal with it!"

"You can't help a person who won't help themselves!" Lucifer shouted, "Castiel will not help himself!"

"That doesn't mean we can leave him to suffer!" Gabriel snarled, tears there in his eyes, "God, Luce, I hate you for making me leave him like that!"

"Gabriel, just calm down." Sam said softly, holding out his hands to his lover, "C'mon...Shhh."

Lucifer new what Gabriel was going through. He felt the same but he knew that Castiel had to stand up for himself before they could step in. He needed to find his own strength and not rush to save him all the time like he couldn't care for himself. Plus, Castiel didn't want them to hurt Dean and he didn't want Dean to hurt them. Gabriel sat on Sam's lap, shedding quiet tears against him.

"Cas is considering leaving him." Lucifer revealed, "If he does, he'll be standing his ground and he'll be doing the best thing."

Gabriel shook his head and sighed, resting against Sam tiredly who continued to hold him close and rock him back and forth. Sam knew that this hurt Gabriel. It hurt them all but Gabriel had been the one who had spent the most time with Castiel when they were younger and who'd looked after him through so many things.

"Sam doesn't treat me the way Dean treats Cas, and he found his mother's death tough to deal with." He sniffled, Sam kissing his forehead and rubbing his back.

"Dean had a lot of problems before then, Gabriel." Sam replied, "He was coming to terms with his sexuality, he'd been bullied at school, he needed counselling before Mom died. Then after she'd died he just went off the rails."

"Doesn't excuse it." Gabriel sighed, sniffling again and holding onto Sam gently while Lucifer approached the couple and sat on the couch beside him.

"No-one says that it does." He said softly, "All we're saying is, Castiel has to stand up for himself and he has to be willing to help himself before we can help him. The same goes for Dean."

* * *

Dean and Castiel ate breakfast in awkward silence, and Dean kept shooting the occasional apologetic look at Castiel who would turn away slightly, as though he was afraid to look at Dean just in case he did in the wrong way.

"Babe...?"

Castiel flinched at the pet name.

"Babe, I'm looking for therapy..." Dean began, "I know...I know I said I'd try but I can't do it alone. It's too hard, Cas..."

Castiel looked up from his place at the table to listen to what Dean had to say. This was what he'd been waiting for, for Dean to come to his senses and realise that he needed help.

"I need help for the anger, the alcoholism...the way I beat you, and..." Dean paused to take Castiel's hand in his own, "I'm willing to it all, Cas, but I need you to help me...I need your faith and your strength because I've got no faith or strength left. Couple's therapy might be a good idea...If you're willing to."

Castiel moved around the table as tears fell down Dean's face, sitting beside him and holding his hand while Dean was more interested in hugging him. The younger man held onto him, kissing him tenderly and hushing him as he rocked him back and forth in his embrace. Maybe he could trust Dean to change this time, since he was interested in seeking professional help. They had the money to, so Castiel decided to take up the opportunity while he still could.

"We'll arrange it when you come home from work." Castiel said softly, "Alright? We'll sit together and talk it out, and we'll come up with a plan."

Dean nodded and kissed Castiel tenderly before getting up to get ready for work, Castiel watching him the whole time before getting himself ready to start the day. He had his own work to do that day, and he got settled in his t-shirt and track pants with his laptop of his knees. Dean leaned down to kiss him as he went to leave for work, and the two ended up almost making out on the couch were it not for Dean noticing the time on the living room clock.

* * *

"Cas?" Dean called as he entered the house that night, the scent of spaghetti bolognese drifting along in the air.

This was the meal he'd been looking forward to the night before until he'd frightened Castiel away with his threats and his anger. God, he was such a bastard. Tonight was definitely the night he was going to make things better between him and Castiel. Castiel came out of the kitchen and headed over to him, kissing him tenderly as he dried a glass with a small towel.

"Hey," He said softly, "How was your day?"

"Good, thanks." Dean replied, "How was yours?"

"Tough, but I got through in the end." Castiel whispered, "I managed to clean downstairs. I'll do upstairs tomorrow. Dinner's almost ready."

He wandered away, staring down at the floor as he did. Dean knew it was because of him that Castiel was bowing his head in that way and it saddened him greatly. Castiel was so beautiful that he should be walking with his head held high, not bowed to the ground like he had no worth at all. Dean followed his lover to the kitchen and wound his arms around his waist, pulling him closer.

"God, Cas, I'm so sorry." He whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Shhh," Castiel soothed, turning around in Dean's arms and kissing him lightly, "Shhh. We're going to fix it together, okay? We're going to make things better together. You're not alone, Dean. You've never been alone."

With that, Castiel pulled Dean into the most loving embrace the older man had felt in a long time and he held Castiel close to him, gripping him tight as he pressed kisses to his temple and breathed gently into his hair.

"I love you so much." He whispered, "So fucking much."

"I love you too, Dean." Castiel replied "We'll get through, okay? I promise."

-TBC-

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**Hope you enjoyed!**

**Thanks for reading so far!  
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